Teens & Church Schedule Conflicts

One need not be an observational genius to notice that the life pace of families picks up when children enter adolescence. As both a parent of a teenager and a youth pastor, I feel the sense of conflict, especially regarding involvement with the local church and youth ministry. It’s easy to lead our children toward disengagement with the church for a season, thinking that everything will settle down “if we can just get through this.” One of the problems with this rationale is that competing demands never last for just a season. Take youth sports as an example. Before the season starts, “optional” open gyms and conditioning are offered, and when the season ends, club sports pick up, often with less regard for evening and weekend schedules accompanying a heavy financial commitment. To compound this difficulty, while students are away for a season, church or group life continues without them, causing them to feel disconnected. A perceived lack of friendships is a popular reason for a student to resist involvement in any activity, so this disconnection can quickly morph in to complete disengagement with the church or youth group. The wisdom of Ecclesiastes to “(not) let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, ‘Life is not pleasant anymore’“(12:1, NLT) goes forgotten.

Of course, the issue isn’t just potential separation from weekend worship services or youth group meetings, but of Christian faith. Involvement with the Body of Christ and the regular corporate offering of our worship to God are essential elements of that faith. Parents can unintentionally lead their children away from an attachment to Christ and his people by staying away for “just a season.” Kenda Creasy Dean, Associate Professor of Youth, Church, and Culture at Princeton Theological Seminary, has observed that many “young people possess no real commitment to or excitement about religious faith. Teenagers tend to approach religious participation, like music and sports, as an extracurricular activity: a good, well-rounded thing to do, but unnecessary”.

So, what’s a busy family to do? Here are a few suggestions...

1. Make your home a place of discipleship - This will require that parents lead and initiate the pursuit of Christ in their families. Volumes could be written on this topic (and have been: see Sticky Faith by Kara E. Powell and Chap Clark or check out orangeparents.org), but perhaps an initial movement in this area could be in parental attitudes toward the church youth ministry. It will be helpful to move from seeing the church’s youth ministry as the people to whom you outsource the discipleship of your son or daughter toward seeing the youth ministry as a powerful ally in your discipleship work with them.

2. Choose youth ministry meetings strategically - Some sort of weekly worship gathering with the Body of Christ is essential for every Christian family, and ought to be prioritized, but what to make of youth group attendance during the busy seasons? For the reasons mentioned above, and more, I believe a weekly youth group environment can provide a great amount of help in the process of growing teenage disciples. However, you may be in a place where your son or daughter is unable to take advantage of every youth group offering. If this is the case, you should seek out the features and purpose of the specific programs offered by the youth ministry and match them to the current level of spiritual interest in your child. For example, our Sunday night Collide and Impact meetings are designed to reach students who are in need of positive relationships with peers and adults and have not yet responded to the Good News of Christ, or are trying to gain their footing in their new faith in Christ. Wednesday night Ignite meetings are focused on helping students develop discipling relationships with peers and adults, experience different forms of worship and prayer, and be involved in large and small group Bible study. Instead of feeling obligated to get your students to Sunday and Wednesday nights, put your emphasis on the one meeting that seems to fit their interest best, and do what you can to get them there.

3. Be a catalyst for healthy expectations - With the exterior pressures placed upon teachers by state testing and upon coaches by community pride, the needs of individual students can be forgotten, and the demands passed down to students and family schedules can be excessive. In trying to gain space in busy schedules, it’s tempting to forego extracurricular involvement. However, among the rewards of extracurricular involvement are increased interest in academics, pure enjoyment, greater health, and the discovery of formerly hidden gifts. Most of the teachers, leaders, and coaches of these programs are people who will be a great benefit to the life of your son or daughter, and the world of extracurriculars, just like any other world, needs to be penetrated with a Gospel-soaked people. I don’t think abandonment is a good option. I think transformation is a better goal. Seek to transform the expectations and demands of extracurricular involvement through engagement with leaders, teachers, and coaches. Set boundaries for your family, help your teenage son or daughter establish boundaries, and clearly and graciously communicate and enforce those boundaries when necessary. Don’t let fear of reprisal keep you from doing so. Remember, your child will learn from you what’s most important to pursue in life.