Helping Your Teenager Grieve

I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside many teenagers as they have struggled with their losses. It’s not something that I look forward to at all, or even consider myself particularly good at, but I have learned some things that I’d like to pass on, with the hope of equipping many of you to become an effective resource for your teenage child in times of tragedy.

Experiences of loss and tragedy during adolescence provide a spicy stew of doubt, questions, and insecurity that can pull a young person either closer to God or further away from him. Quite often, the main contributing factor in the direction of the pull is dependent upon the involvement of a caring adult.

Our designed response when tragedy hits is mourning and grief. They are both necessary and universal responses and are therefore, normal. When a young person grieves, their pain from loss is compounded by an already maxed out psyche which has been busy with the process of intense identity formation. To put it succinctly: it’s no fun.

During these times, teenagers are confronted with the same need to deal with their own mortality and ultimate questions of life as any of us, but they are especially acute when the loss includes someone of their own age.

It’s helpful to be prepared to wade into the mix of emotions. First off, keep your goal in mind. You are there to “share the grief work” of the teenager (a phrase used by Dr. G. Keith Olsen, in his book Counseling Teenagers). This is a simple way to practice Romans 15:5 in which we are directed to “weep with those who weep.” You are not removing their grief from them, but you are promising them your presence in the midst of that grief, no matter how sloppy it might get.

Secondly, you should be aware that there are predictable stages to grieving. The typical grief progression begins with shock or denial, moves into anger, sometimes onto guilt, then bargaining (“If only ____, then I would ____”), sadness or depression, and on through to acceptance. This process is individualized by each person and for each situation, but oftentimes the stages are revisited. Our role is to help the student identify and connect with the appropriate feeling when it surfaces. This is best done by focused listening.

Finally, don’t worry about what to say. In fact, not saying anything might be good. Job’s friends were at their best when their mouths were closed and their ears were open. We can learn from them. It might be tempting to offer pithy theological treatises on the meaning of God and life, but we often end up sounding more like bumper stickers than Solomon. God’s okay with mystery, and he can represent himself quite nicely, thank you. Good questions can be helpful in getting the teenager to talk. Try “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Do you know how I can best help you?” Even a humble “I don’t know what to say” can be helpful when it’s true. Even asking about memories of the one who died or asking what they would like to say to them if they could, can be good.

There’s much more that can be said and learned (especially by me) on this topic, but hopefully you’re encouraged to be one of the difference-makers in your child's life when tragedy hits.