Unable to Sing

Friday night I stood at the kitchen sink, scrubbing dishes, thinking of everyone else out having fun while I was stuck inside the house, and cried. I want to run away. Never come back. I want to go back to the past where things were easy. I want to run to the future where my daughter is healed. I want to be anywhere and everywhere but stuck in my house while we wait for the cancer to get out of her body.

Through tears, I realized that I've become so focused on what I want. All day it seems as though I look at her and think, I want her to be healed. I want to be normal. I want to know the plans. I want to be done.

What we want out of life is not always what we get. The plans we make for ourselves isn't always what God calls us to do.

That night, I stood in my kitchen, a cancer mom. I was called to be a mother of two beautiful children and that is now my job. It's my calling to be their mommy, their caretaker. It's my calling to love them, feed them, comfort them, and do my best to keep them safe. Whatever the outcome, it's not a result of my sins, or successes. It's a result of my God's grace and His plan.

This life isn't about me. It's not about what I want.

It's bigger than me and it's my calling to show others it's not about us.

Sunday, was the first time back to church since Alaythea's diagnosis. We intentionally came late, and left early, as to not get bombarded with hugs and questions.

When we took our seats the worship team had one more song. Oceans, by Hillsong. That use to be one of my absolute favorite songs and I'd sing it with such sincerity. Today I just sat and listened to the people sing. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I couldn't help but hear that with such a different perspective.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders (my daughter has cancer...you don't know what that's like until you're in the thick of it. That's truly stretching your faith)

Let me walk upon the waters (you want me to go blindly into this new normal with the faith that I can stand up, everyday?)

Wherever You would call me (go down a dark, ugly, unknown path of treatments, medications, and pain?)

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (do I really want to go deeper? God are you sure this is the life you've chosen for us? Why did I ever sing this with such sincerity?)

And my faith will be made stronger (it feels so weak right now and I'm hurt...how can I ever be made strong?)

In the presence of my Savior (His presence...is He really there?!)

I couldn't sing. I didn't have the guts to tell God to lead me to a place where my trust had no borders...I'm already there. The trust is already flailing around without any signs of smacking into something firm.

I couldn't sing about walking out blindly onto deep waters. I couldn't sing about my faith getting stronger because I feel as though the presence of my Savior is so far away.

My lip was trembling, my heart was racing and my cheeks were hot. I grabbed a tissue to dry my face and Tyler reached over to take hold of my hand.

Deep breath, Amy. Deep, breath.

Our pastor came up and gave three overview points for this current sermon series. The second point really hit home. When God calls you, He will equip you, but he expects your full attention and your full obedience.

God has not given us this incredibly difficult life situation without completely equipping us. We may feel like we've been shoved off a cliff without a parachute but the truth is it's there. We just can't reach the cord yet.

I was reminded once again that I don't always get to choose the situations that come into our life. I can make choices, but God ultimately lays the bricks to my ever winding life and I choose how to walk on that path. I can choose to have obedience and accept what has been given to me.

This life isn't about me. It's not about what I want. All of this is to bring glory to God. He will equip me when i give Him my full attention and my full obedience. When that day comes I can finally sing that song again. Until then I'll just keep falling, and eventually reach that cord and fall safely back to steady ground.